• July 17, 2013

    thoughts on :: cautious joy

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    sometimes the sheer newness of life is absurd to me. (I realize – that sentence does not make a ton of sense. but go with me, for a minute.) lately I’ve celebrated so many firsts and with every single one I am filled with this emotion that I cannot quite put my finger on. it’s something akin to cautious joy, I think. in less than two months, and in my immediate life, there’s been 2 weddings and 3 engagements and 4 birthdays. 2 babies  have been born (as of tonight!) and 1 pregnancy has been announced. new jobs have been popping up more often than I can count. it’s like everything good is bursting out. like spring in the summer – all things are budding with this intense sense of urgent joy. joy that must be pushed out into the world before it gets squashed in the muck of everything else.

    I just spent a week in california celebrating 90 years of life with not one, but two grandparents. and then on the opposite end of the spectrum there was a baby just a few days shy of his birth-day (tonight!) and a best of best friends asking me to stand beside her in the wedding we’ve been talking about since we knew that we could. and then I came home to celebrate the pre-baby shower that turned into a post-baby shower when life couldn’t stay in any longer and just had to come six weeks early. and there were two wedding invitations on the counter (only one of which I’m in, thank the Lord) and announcements of new jobs and new plans. and just so. much. life.

    and I am a little shell shocked by it because with all this new life, something else must end…right? there has to be some level of death right around the corner. I know there has to be. I know it’s all mixed in together – beginnings and endings. even now, as I claim the joy of new beginnings, I am acutely aware of the pain around me. of the marriages ending and relationships breaking for those I love. most of the time, my morbid self is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    but tonight, as I drove home, all I could muster was that un-nameable feeling akin to cautious joy. and a ton of gratitude. and an unshakeable confidence that someday, it will forever only be this. this feeling of life bursting at the seams. newness will grow and multiply like stands of the most invasive and beautiful bacteria. and there will always and only be joy pushed out into the world and there will be no endings. both shoes will stay firmly on and the joy won’t be cautious anymore.



    3 Responses

    1. Stacey says:

      Love this:)

    2. Jyndia says:

      Ah I love your writing! And I agree!! So many new and glorious things in the air these days… also leaves me wondering when the other shoe will drop. I like to think it realistic? rather than morbid? But likely the two are the same. I miss you my lovely Carrie Horton… maybe we can facetime or something soon? Please Please keep writing… it is so damn refreshing!

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