• December 11, 2013

    I spent most of today steeped in my inadequacies. steeped in the feeling that, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t do anything right. I spent most of today up against that measuring stick that keeps telling me that I am not good enough. the one that measures me against what others expect of me and what I expect of myself. and despite my best efforts, I am lacking. my mistakes are seen as intentional. my words are misunderstood. my need to please rears it’s ugly head. and I am undone. the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to beat back the measuring stick with…well…a stick. but some days, I am just too tired to fight it. some days it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other and make it back to my house and back to my bed. there is victory in the simple completion of the day.

    I realize, of course, that this line of thinking becomes an endless cycle of comparison that is the thief of joy. I realize, of course, that even as I discover new flaws, abounding grace has already covered them. but it’s just really frustrating to be human and broken. it’s frustrating to feel like nothing I do is right. it’s frustrating to always be fighting for clarity. to always be fighting to see the ribbons of light and truth in the midst of my inadequacies. it’s even frustrating that I can’t seem to make these words make sense right now. they look to me like sludge on the screen.

    tomorrow, I will wake up with a fresh perspective, I’m sure of it. I will see the forest through the trees and I will get out the “you are fearfully and wonderfully made” stick to beat back the “you are not good enough” stick. and I will swing away. because thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. but for now, I am just going to read andrea’s words over and over again. because these are the words I most need to realize tonight:

    the love of God is not a magic trick, not a secret potion to consume to make it all go away but it quiets my mind when nothing else will, is bigger and brighter than a thousand suns. for this, I am thankful.

     

    Filed Under: RIBBONS OF LIGHT, SELF

    8 Responses

    1. joyce says:

      Generally, I make it a rule to never, EVER comment on your posts even though I read and re-read them and love to see the world through your eyes. But this one I cannot leave unremarked upon.

      No matter what the enemy is tormenting you with, you – like everyone else in the world – are doing the best you can and your best HAS to be good enough. He will make up the difference between what you do with a humble heart and the expectations you measure yourself against. God sees your heart and knows your goodness and faithfulness. He knows your name and He calls you worthy. Believe him. I love you very much

    2. Christina says:

      Your words…they don’t look like sludge on a screen; they look like brokenness and light all at once. You — just as you are — are enough. Love you.

    3. Autumn says:

      I read this and immediately went back to some encouraging words someone (cough, cough) left on my blog when I expressed nearly the exact same feelings. The comment encouraged me then, may they encourage you now. Love you friend.

      “this is brutally, beautifully, honest. you are not alone. also, I always end up going back to mark 4:33-34 when I am thinking this way because it reminds me that I will not always understand the world or who I am, but I do know the one who can explain things to me and tell me who I am. I forget that. a lot. you are great.”

      • carriehorton says:

        oh thanks, autumn. did I write those words? because if I did I certainly do not remember writing them..and I certainly needed to hear them. you are such a great friend…even from afar :)

        • Autumn says:

          You did and they were lovely and perfect and what I needed to hear in a way that made me not forget them even a year or so later. So thank you for that. And know that you are that kind of person….one whose impact lasts even if you don’t even remember what all you say or do to encourage someone else. Love you friend.

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