• January 31, 2014

    thoughts on :: a new year (a month late)

    original
    today is my last day at blood:water mission. seeing those words on a screen is surreal and unsettling. because it’s such a weird feeling to walk away from something I’ve defined so much of my life by. the blood:water dream started when I was 19 and an idealistic sophomore stepping into the brokenness of the world for the first time.  it took me six years and three moves to make it happen. and now, I’m walking away from it. almost as difficult as the act itself, writing about leaving blood:water has seemed impossible. (hence the radio silence around here for so long.) as I’ve spent the past few months processing what it would look like to leave, there have been a million scenarios playing out in my head. a million what if’s. there have been so many days spent trying to convince myself that it could still work. and so many nights spent wondering what it would mean to walk away. because at the end of the day, my heart hasn’t changed. and my belief in blood:water is as strong as ever. and I’m still the idealistic sophomore in so many ways.

    but for the first time (maybe ever) I had to start taking tiny steps outside the box. and those first tentative steps have led to this. the big step into self-employment via freelance writing. partially because I love to write. and partially because sometimes I’m good at it. but most of all because there was a voice that kept asking, why not? that kept asking why I didn’t just take a good look at what I really love to do and try to actually live in it. that kept asking what was stopping me. (it’s fear by the way. it’s always fear.) and after so many months living with that little voice getting louder and louder, I just couldn’t ignore it. and so here I am. a little bit broken and kind of exhausted but really thankful for the past year and a half. and really excited to start. we’re already a month in. but it sure feels like the new year to me.

    photo 2

    and so, I’ve been thinking about resolutions lately. and although I never make them, the writing of these felt necessary. they aren’t really resolutions…because let’s be real, if I tell myself to work out more it just won’t happen. and these are more about the simple (and difficult) act of living more fully into myself…

    1. I want to cultivate rhythm. I want my life to be balanced and not in opposition to itself. with all things working together and in sync. I don’t want to work and then rest when I am too burned out to function. I want my starting place to be a stillness of spirit that is rooted in the confidence that no matter what happens, my foundation is in one who’s grace is sufficient over all my fears. and to-do lists.

    2. I want to be fearless. (or at least a little less fearful.) I want to take risks without giving myself a panic attack thinking of all the possible negative outcomes. I want to take big steps. I want to leap. I want to do things that scare me. and I want to do them for no one else but myself.

    3. I want to simplify. to spend less where it is unnecessary and more where it is truly needed. I want to get a handle on what’s important – what, at the end of the day, is truly a non-negotiable need in my life. I suspect not much.

    4. I want to be rooted in selflessness. I want to stop thinking that I am the center of anyone’s universe. and I want to celebrate the fact that I am at the center of a universe that is full of so much for me to think about other than myself. I want to pay better attention. I want to love others for the sake of loving well, not for the sake of being loved in return.

    5. I want to stop trying to be all things to all people. because, I can’t be all things to all people. I can only do what I can do. and that is enough when it really counts.

     

    Filed Under: SELF, THOUGHTS ON...

    14 Responses

    1. Autumn says:

      The first sentence of the post took my breath away. Having walked with you to get to blood.water it was unexpected. But as I continued reading, I began to smile. So proud of you for taking this step…..a step of fearlessness indeed. Hugs!

      • carriehorton says:

        Oh my friend, you were there through so much…and I still can’t get over the fact that we can’t go for walks and talk everyday. Thank you for always being such a great listener…and not judging me when my language got a little…colorful :)

    2. MP says:

      Wow, Carrie, just wow. I love ya and believe in ya, and am curious and thrilled to see what happens next!!!

    3. Adrienne Hagen says:

      Love ya lady!

    4. Mary Carter says:

      Extremely proud of you for not giving into the fear and for taking this leap of faith. Excited for this new chapter for you! (You are, in fact, an amazing writer!)

      • carriehorton says:

        Mary! Thanks so much friend! I love how even just a 20 minute conversation with you in Portland can encourage and help me along in decisions like this. Always so thankful for you.

    5. Stephanie Seals says:

      Carrie I have chills and tears of excitement…..you are an amazing woman and thank you for letting me go on this journey with you!

      • carriehorton says:

        Steph! I love ya! If I’m being honest, most days I wish I could just come back and work with you at Alpina. That would be the BEST career move, I think ;)

    6. Stacey says:

      Yes… absolutely completely yes. Your willingness to leap despite your fears has already inspired me so much. Love you friend!

    7. carriehorton says:

      Oh Stacey – you have no idea how much your insight and affirmation played into this decision. I am constantly amazed that I get to be friends with someone who is so wise and thoughtful. Thanks for helping me process and make this step…and for always making perfect pizza :)

    8. Cynthia Hutchinson says:

      Love, love, love reading this and look forward to hearing and watching! May the One whose grace is sufficient for all those fears keep you in great peace and joy! Your thought process here is such an inspiration. You go girl!

      • carriehorton says:

        Cynthia, you better believe that if we still lived in the same town, I would be over at your house drinking tea and talking through all this with you. For now, the phone will have to do, but you better come visit soon!

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