Posts Tagged ‘I am remembering’

  • December 12, 2013

    things i miss


    today I read a ridiculous leslie knope-inspired meme about how to get through your college finals. and all of a sudden I missed college. and the time in my life when my biggest stressors centered around aforementioned finals. and writing 10-page papers at the last minute because I had first decided to watch seasons 1-4 of friends for the seventh time. here are a few other things I miss:

    1. riding a bicycle.
    2. the feeling of not having a cell phone all the time.
    3. the extra row of seats (barely) bolted into the back of the blue explorer. facing backwards, making me car-sick everytime.
    4. n’sync.
    5. watching it’s a wonderful life on christmas eve. because dad insisted it was tradition. it was also tradition that he fall asleep before the opening credits.
    6. disposable cameras.
    7. working at a coffee shop.
    8. my college apartment.
    9. jumping on the trampoline in the backyard.
    10. playing oregon trail during recess. not the computer game. actually pretending to be on the oregon trail. I was always the one who ended up getting typhoid and dying early. in the end, I guess we were kind of morbid children.
    11. star-gazing.
    12. the first blizzard of winter. snow days.
    13. mixtapes made off the radio.
    14. reading peter and wendy for the first time.
    15. seeing améile for the first time.
    16. the pacific northwest coastline.
    17. writing papers. because I’m a nerd.
    18. building homecoming floats.
    19. school pride.
    20. thanksgiving walks at fallen leaf.
    21. the first week of officially having my license.
    22. dominic’s laugh.
    23. my creaky, wobbly white metal daybed. with a trundle for sleepovers.
    24. real fires in the fireplace.
    25. powell’s.
    26. nannying.
    27. writing letters. snail mail.
    28. going to the library. summer reading challenges.
    29. lisa frank school supplies.
    30. taking naps.
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    Filed Under: I AM A LIST MAKER


  • June 11, 2013

    pic name pic name

    my sweet and wonderful friend natalie got engaged last week. natalie, who I’ve known my whole life. and for better or worse, I’ve loved just as long. talk about roots. mine go the deepest with her. her sister was there when I was born. her mother is my namesake. through births and deaths and fires and floods and the most life you can fit into a few decades. her family is my family. my story does not make sense apart from her.


    she is, in every good way, my opposite. when we were young, my favorite thing to do was to sit quietly and read. her favorite thing to do was to play make-believe. we usually ended up doing the latter, and while she often made me be the dad in our “family,” I can’t blame her for pushing me out of my introvert shell just a little bit. I mean, that girl has an imagination. I remember pretending that we were the orphaned children of the king and queen of all the world and that the stairs in her house were a big green dinosaur we were riding to far-off destinations like the taj mahal and the egyptian pyramids and the statue of liberty. you know, things like that. and have I mentioned? sass for daysss. I mean, just look at her face in most of these photos. that girl knows what’s up. always has. in total juxtaposition to my painfully stumbly, stuttery awkwardness in any situation remotely social, she owns every room she walks into with her easygoing confidence and positivity.


    we used to jump on the trampoline in my backyard imagining what it would be like to live with boys and be moms like our moms and have a house of our own with a dog and a cat. over the years we’ve hit rough patches every so often but in the end, she’s always the one I come back to. the one I’m most excited to see when I go home. the one I think to call when I have something happy to tell. when I have something sad to tell. when have something of anything to tell, really.


    and now, we aren’t on the trampoline anymore. we aren’t even in the same town anymore. but that girl, she still has an imagination. she still has sass for daysss. she imagines a life that she loves and goes after it. no matter if it’s living in new york city for a while. or adopting stray cats and naming them izzy. or loving boys named tyler who take her on boat rides and live in little log cabins with her and propose while walking on the beach of the lake we grew up splashing around in. she loves fiercely and fully. she cares for others in ways that most people do not. she is my friend and I love her. and I love that she is getting married and will one day be a mom like our moms and have a house of her own with a dog and a cat.

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  • June 4, 2013

    life in a snow globe

    so there’s this awesome thing called nablopomo. it stands for NAtional BLog POsting MOnth. officially, it’s annually in november, but it’s so popular that it’s kind of an every month thing too. this month, the theme is roots. not saying I will write about that topic exclusively, but I do want to try to write on the daily, so maybe this will keep me going. I’m already a day late. but here’s hoping.


    thinking about roots makes me think about tahoe. for obvious reasons, because that’s where I grew up. but for not so obvious reasons too. I will be the first to admit – as soon as I graduated from high school I ran as fast and far out of there as I could. and I never really looked back. and I definitely don’t regret all the places I’ve lived and experiences I’ve had since then. but that place. it just kind of sticks with you in ways that you can’t really explain. and now, every time I go home, I am increasingly thankful that I got to grow up there. and increasingly sad to live so far away. because like most things that are good in quiet, unassuming ways, I totally took it all for granted.

    so yes, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you will call me a cheater for reposting this little list from a few years ago. but really, I couldn’t start a month about “roots” without talking about some of my favorite lessons from that little hometown of mine.


    1. how to build an epic snowman. it’s all about the accessories. obviously.

    2. how to shovel a car out of snow. while there’s still a blizzard going on. my dad thought this would be a good lesson for me to learn. he thought it would make me appreciate life and my car and the world around me. it did not.

    3. how to exploit nature. yes, I was the girl who sold you a pine cone from my backyard for $5. yes, I could negotiate up to $20 for a sugar pine. yes, you were the dumb tourist who agreed to all of this. don’t even ask me how much I made selling tiny bottles of water containing the different “colors” of the lake (food coloring was most certainly involved).


    4. how to drive a boat before learning how to drive a car. also, who even gets to learn how to windsurf these days? regular surfing is so overrated in my opinion.

    5. how to stack firewood like a boss. every summer, my dad would come home with loads and loads of huge rounds of timber. and every fall, we would have “family fun day, “during which we formed a dysfunctional sort of assembly line in order to cut and stack all that damn wood for the winter. I don’t know if I would call it “fun” but I did learn my way around a giant wood splitter. and my spatial abilities when it comes to stacking hundreds of logs are unmatched. these skills come in handy all the time in my life as a lumberjack. oh wait…


    6. how to wear a halloween costume over a snowsuit. or how to wear a snowsuit as a halloween costume. (see bunny ears channeling my good friend, ralphie.)

    7. how to get hopelessly lost in the wilderness and not worry about it. my unbeatable lack of navigation proved itself at a young age when I would be playing in the forest that was my backyard and suddenly find myself completely lost. after the third time I stopped even worrying about it. I knew I would find my way back somehow. or mom would send the police to find me.


    8. how to apply snow chains. yes, I learned on a four-wheeler.

    9. how to drive on ice and in snowstorms. I became so talented that I would often drive to school in a complete blizzard unfazed. while applying makeup. skills. and complete stupidity.

    10. how to “keep tahoe blue!” and “don’t feed the bears!” the two favorite town taglines taught me the importance of water clarity. and the fact that if you leave food open in your car you may have a bear living inside it by the morning.


    11. how to appreciate nature. terrifically cliche to say, I know. but let’s face it. how can you live in a town surrounded by snow covered mountains, with north america’s second largest fresh-water lake right in the middle and not understand, at least a little bit, the vast intricacy and phenomenal beauty of the natural world? and did I mention? stars for days out there, folks. the. best.


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  • March 11, 2012

    thoughts on :: bad days and good news

    I had such a crappy day friday. my job just keeps getting harder and harder to handle. insecurities and doubts flooded over me like a dam had broken. nothing seemed to go right. and the day dragged on and on like it would never end. I felt exhausted and sick. a little lonely and a lot frustrated. I sat on the metro thinking I might be ill and wondering, for the hundredth time today, what it would be like to make the change I am so desperate for.

    and then I got off the metro. and I had cell service again. and I was walking towards the ticket gate and my phone buzzed with a text message. and I opened it to news from one of my very dearest friends. good news. the kind of news that made me stop in my tracks and laugh out loud. because I just couldn’t believe it. because I wasn’t surprised at all.

    I called her as tears began to form and when I heard her voice I just started crying and laughing uncontrollably. my fellow commuters glanced at me with confusion and amusement but it was all I could do to hold myself together. I didn’t really notice anything except for her voice and our joy and all the memories of our life together flooding back to me like a different kind of dam had broken.

    and now I can’t stop thinking about all of it. I can’t stop thinking about how we used to walk to new seasons on rare sunny days and buy olive rolls and strawberries and dark chocolate to eat on the bench outside our apartment with our legs tucked under us and the sun warming our rain-soaked skin. I can’t stop thinking about how we used to sit on each other’s beds with arms and legs and fingers intertwined talking about things as silly as the boys we had crushes on. talking about things as serious as the pain of our families and the suffering of children in Africa with horrible diseases like AIDS and poverty and the terribly corrupt world around them. and we would dream about the kind of men we would someday marry and the children we wanted to help right now. I can’t stop thinking about traveling to germany and sleeping in the same bed and seeing the same amazing and devastating things and realizing that it was possible to get sick of each other after all. but I still missed her a week after we got back and I stopped seeing her everyday. I can’t stop thinking about the months we didn’t talk and about how it almost killed me everyday to think that she might not continue to be in my life in the same life-changing way as she always had been. I can’t stop thinking about the day she met that boy who would become her husband. how she was cautious and a bit nervous but full of the same joy and patience that always seeps from her and covers everyone around her. and I can’t stop thinking about their wedding and how it changed the way I think about love and marriage and life with someone else. because it was a day that I saw the perfect love of Christ mirrored in a more real way than ever before and ever since.

    and now I can’t stop thinking about how good she is going be at being a mom. and I can’t stop thinking about how good he is going to be at being a dad. of all the people I know in all the world, I am most excited to see them as parents. of all the people I know in all the world, they are the two who were made to be parents. just like they were made, unequivocally and perfectly for each other. I don’t believe in soul-mates really. but I believe they are soul-mates. and I believe that whatever happens, that baby (and any baby of theirs) is going to know the love of the Lord from this moment until, well, forever.

    and I can’t stop thinking about how we used to talk about how we would live together and raise our kids together and be sisters forever. and I can’t stop thinking about getting back to the pacific northwest. because being apart from her for this journey might just kill me. missing the growing belly and the pregnant-lady hormones and the awe-inspiring way that I just know that husband will care for her might just kill me. only having photos and letters and the occasional phone call might just kill me. lincoln city to washington, dc just seems like an unfathomable distance now.

    and what I really can’t stop thinking about is this. how great God is. how undeniably cool and perfect and amazing he is. because friday was a bad day. but in the end, it wasn’t. in the end, I remembered that at the same time everything falls apart everything comes together. we are broken but we are redeemed. and one day we will live with new life restored. and while bad days may happen too often. good days are right around the corner. that text message with a picture of a positive pregnancy test is right around the corner. and thankfully. wonderfully. new life is right around the corner.

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    Filed Under: THOUGHTS ON...


  • January 4, 2012

    is this cheating?

    how is it that a girl who owns five (now six if you scroll to the bottom of this post) cameras has actually fallen in love with the one on her phone and a little instagram app? quite concerning, really.

    nevertheless. here’s what happened in december.

    christmas party bonfires.

    dance party after-parties with my favorites. (see the one who writes such wonderful words.)

    joyful reunions over wine and good stories. (see the international traveler and the brilliant foodie.)

    morning walks to the office. again and again.

    home. sweet home.

    apple hill and sweet memories of apple picking and tree climbing.

    evening walks in dc.

    and the one that will change everything. (scans on the way, people. on the way.)


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  • May 17, 2011

    writing to myself

    **couldn’t find any photos of 17-year-old carrie. so here is 17-year-old mom. such a fox! she was much more photogenic at 17 than I was.**

    a few things I wish I could have told my high-school self.

    1. you are not fat.

    2. don’t worry about losing the senior class-president election. you will be enormously thankful when you don’t have to plan reunions in five and ten years.

    3. that boy you like so much? the one who just seems so charming and fun and worth losing friends over? he’s not.

    4. please understand that red mascara is not as cool as you think it is.

    5. not all friends are forever. sometimes God places people in your life for just a season. you will learn from them and love them and grow so much through knowing them. you will feel like your friendship will last forever. it won’t. you will learn to be okay with this. you will learn to be thankful for this.

    6. your dad is not as clueless as you think he is. you are furious now, when he refuses to let you go to the movies alone with that boy you think is great because he is rebellious and “carefree.” but years from now, when you are 23, you will be inexpressibly thankful that he knew more about boys than you did.

    7. there is absolutely no need to go tanning. you live in the mountains. it snows all the time. being tan in the middle of december is frankly, a little bit weird.

    8. the friday nights you spend alone watching black-and-white movies and listening to music are actually a much better use of your time than the parties you are missing.

    9. pray more.

    10. stop complaining about where you live. it is one of the most beautiful places in the world. go outside more. furthermore, from here on out, you will live in cities where artificial light overshadows everything else. appreciate the stars.

    11. please stop trying to be an adult. spend more time doing things that seem childish. you will really regret it if you don’t.

    12. and stop trying to be so serious. the serious world will knock you off your feet soon enough. for now, allow yourself to laugh when things are funny. allow yourself to smile.

    13. it is okay if you don’t have all the answers. it is okay if you can’t fix every situation. it is all okay.

    14. people you love will fail you. you will fail people you love.

    15. try harder to understand grace. it is a pretty big deal.

    17. get into the habit of waking up early. it will make things easier when you have to do it. for the rest of your life.

    18. when ryan gives you a mix cd LISTEN TO IT. and ask for more. he knows what he’s doing.

    19. what they do at school dances is not dancing. it is gross. please give dancing another chance.

    20. listen to the old record player your parents have more often. and appreciate their taste in music.

    21. I know you feel like a loser with no friends. you are not a loser. and five years from now you will have friends. really great friends. in lots of different places.

    22. appreciate people who disagree with you. learn to listen to them more often.

    23. write more often. and save everything you write.

    24. be okay with being different. with loving Jesus. with being yourself. even if you don’t always know who that is.

    25. seriously, red mascara. not a good look for you. or anyone really.

    26. love yourself better. love others better. love God better.

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  • January 5, 2011

    one last look


    troy, pennsylvania. family reunion. jena and dom. collecting myself. diving in. dave eggers. mix tape mania. strengths finder.


    snowed in snowstorms. birthday festivities. caleb being baptized. movie marathons. new music finding. snowpocalypse. the yellow knight. feeling like a kid again.


    sabrina running. thawing out. missing home. crying a lot. laughing a lot. searching a lot. the history of love. stepping out from under the haze. daffodils.


    blossoms. all things made new. sweet summer. hip to the hop. texas. read, study, write, repeat. greenberries. bubble wands. childhood laughter. his death is my life. thankful.


    finishing fellows. fresh air. road trips. dance parties. windows down. mariners with jyndia. baltimore. humidity. the ocean. the choices. the decision to be happy.


    a fresh start. daisies. this american life. touristing with the family. recognizing beauty. sweaty metro. finding something real.


    lost and found. Becca. letting go. green monster (the drink, not the envy). stuck in between. 23. jazz in the sculpture garden. forgiveness. eastern market. fireworks from a parking garage.


    new job. new roommates. old stress. tired. sycamore street. mountains of montana. ange and josh. jumping on hotel beds. best friends. free coffee. pola. cowboys. breathing in.


    making old things new. the end of summer. the beginning of fall. feeling stressed. feeling unbalanced. feeling alive. feeling content. a brand new sky.


    traveling for work. stanford. exploding nerves. dallas willard. exploding relief. tahoe summer…in the fall. disposable camera skies. baby bear cubs. mom. dad. loved.


    daily introspection. climbing trees. picking apples. daily deep breaths. wordless weekends. finding the time. Regina. thankful.


    working late. tabard inn. snow. my soul-mates. rach and steve. colored christmas lights. anticipation. mindy. los angeles. crazy family. feeling pulled in a million directions. ornament toss. happy. relieved. content. the end. the beginning.


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