Posts Tagged ‘sometimes I ramble’

  • February 5, 2014

    it is what it is. and what it is is good.


    I’ve been thinking about expectations lately. well, I’ve been thinking about expectations my whole life, maybe. because the statements “I need to” (see: I need to work out more) and “I should” (see: I should read my bible more) have been the primary voice in my head for as long as I can remember. I create boxes. and I live inside them. I take good advice. and I make it my ultimate standard to live up to. I fail and I beat myself up and then I get up and try to do the exact same thing. it’s circular and exhausting, is what it is.

    but last week, I was talking with some friends who, in their endless patience and grace, have committed to walking through life with me and I realized that it’s been a little while since I tried to figure out what I should be doing. because the past two months have been a slow process of actually giving myself permission to discover what is good – for me. what is right – for me. maybe it’s not reading my bible every morning for 45 minutes (which is actually a really good idea). and maybe it’s not jillian michaels 30 day shred (which is also a really good idea…if you are not a little bit scared of jillian michaels like I am). maybe it’s just the realization that there are a million and one ways to press into life with the one who made it. and at the end of the day, whatever works for me is exactly what should be. it’s beautiful and life-changing, is what it is.

    because there is so much freedom in that. I stop living in what I “need” to do and I live in the reality of what is. and the reality is that I am made perfectly flawed and beautifully broken. and despite my fluctuating emotions and illogical fear of overly energetic fitness instructors, my creator looks at me and is happy with how I turned out. the reality is that he wants me to bring life to the world in whatever way I can, even if it’s messy and disjointed and in ten-minute increments. so I look for ways to be kind to myself. to be patient with myself. I give myself permission to do what will bring me joy. and I finally understand that this is not a selfish act after all. it is a necessary act. it is good. because I am a cup. and when I walk in the love that was given to me at my most vulnerable and broken, I will overflow onto all of life around me.

    and I spend my days looking for ribbons of light wherever and whenever they might show up. I recognize the ribbons of light. and I say “thank you” for them. and I move into them in bits and pieces as I eat dinner or talk with friends or get gas and buy groceries. I acknowledge that the ribbons of light come in the reality of a world that is broken, and in some ways, I even say “thank you” for that too. because it is through the darkness that I see the ribbons more clearly. it is through the darkness that I grasp onto them and celebrate them with more ferocity.


    Filed Under: SELF

  • December 22, 2013

    currently :: the weekend edition

    pic name pic name

    you guys. I have serious writer’s block. (also – and I’m not actually sure this is a real thing – I think I have photographer’s block too?) I have nothing I can think to write about. this is partially because my mind has been going in so many directions this week that I’m having a hard time thinking in coherent thoughts, let alone complete sentences. in my own defense, this may also have something to do with the fact that I am writing this while sitting at a coffee shop without earbuds (mistake no. 1), trying to plan out my life (mistake no. 2), being forced to overhear the awkwardly loud, awkwardly inappropriate conversation of the girls sitting next to me (mistake no. 3…on their part). so I’m just going to stop rambling here and make another list. of all the fun things I did this weekend. because it was fun and involved so many of you who read this blog and I think we need to relive it a little bit. also. because I have writer’s block.

    throwing: christmas cocktail parties with roommates (those crazies up there) at the lilly pad. (yes, we’ve named our house because doesn’t everyone?) I was worried that we would not have enough food and we had way too much. katie and jaclyn successfully made peppermint bark and cheesecake oreo bites and peanut butter buckeyes…which I didn’t know are a thing but totally are. we also successfully made a signature gin cocktail. but not a whiskey punch. because who knew that when you try to heat sugar, it turns into caramel, not simple syrup? (we did. but we forgot.) in the end though, all that mattered is that our friends put on their best party attire and hung out with us. because we really REALLY love our friends. they are the coolest. (also…number 6 o nthe list!)

    eating: peppermint bark and cheesecake oreo bites and buckeyes. and breakfast at marché. obviously I’m taking christmas eating quite seriously this year.

    seeing: a delightfully unique version of a christmas carol at TPAC. subsequently feeling nostalgic for the days when dad horton acted in yearly productions…and pulled five-year old carrie into being a cratchit kid. I did NOT like being the center of attention (or anywhere on the stage), but I do have fond memories from it.

    dancing: the night away in honor of sweet friend’s birthday. while wearing tacky sweaters and earrings made out of mini ornaments and paper clips. at times, jaclyn and I were the only two dancing. but you know what? we were totally okay with that.

    feeling: a little bit stupid for driving to said party during a tornado warning. we almost got hit by a bucket whipping across the intersection of 12th and wedgewood like a tumbleweed. and we had to sit in the car for 20 minutes once we got to the party while the rain fell like we were in the middle of a carwash. we are nothing if not adventurers.

    watching: one direction: this is us. I’m not even ashamed a little bit. and I can’t decide which of the five I love best. harry’s so cute and charming (but could very well be a jerk). niall’s so fun-loving and playful. zayne’s so serious and thoughtful. I’m like paul rudd. speaking of paul rudd, I also watched anchorman (the first one) for the first time. ever. and loved it. nothing but high-brow indie art-house films for this girl.

    {I’m sorry this post was completely ridiculous. and I’m glad you all still love me in spite of it.}


    Filed Under: CURRENTLY

  • May 21, 2013

    thoughts on :: a return to blogging


    welcome to day two of the new blog! one of my goals for this revamped little corner to write more often in a way that is honest and (dare I say it) vulnerable. truth be told, I’m not sure how that will pan out, but in a first attempt, I’m going to take just a few minutes to talk about where I’ve been and why I’m back.

    I have to admit, it has not been the most obvious or easy of decisions to return. up until that first post yesterday morning, I went back and forth on a daily basis about whether or not I really wanted to start this up again. (have I mentioned that I chronically over-think everything?) less than a year ago, I had gotten kind of used to feeling stressed and overwhelmed and spread razor-thin. and so when I got to nashville, I just decided to take a deep breath and a step back. I entered into life here more slowly. more methodically and intentionally. I needed to let go of a lot of expectations and obligations that, by my own addition, had overwhelmed my life. I needed to find small ways to be patient with myself. small ways to be kind to myself.

    and this site (or the old one) had to be part of that step back. I needed to refocus and rediscover why I even had this little corner to begin with. because if I’m being honest, sometimes I feel a bit weird about this whole blogging thing. in the beginning, this site was meant to be a love letter of sorts to my friends and family spread all over the world. and it has become, on my best days, a love letter to the beauty and connectedness in the world around me, even as life feels increasingly disjointed and mundane. but there is always this tension when I’m writing. questions of why I am really doing this at the end of the day. why I feel the need to write about my life in a public space. why I want to add my voice to the multitude of other bloggers who seem to do it much better than I ever could. truthfully, I’ve been sitting on this new site for quite a few months, wondering if I really wanted to dive back in. wondering if, in a world where some people actually get paid to blog, it mattered if I came back or not. and then wondering why mattering was so important to me. I am nothing if not over-analytical.

    and then I read this piece by my friend, shanna. and among many other candid and wise thoughts, she wrote this:

    “For me, the biggest difference between blogging because I love it and blogging for recognition is this: I forget
    what I’m doing here…what matters, really, is the passion and love behind it, with or without recognition, with
    or without acclaim.”

    and I remembered. ultimately, this little corner does matter. because it matters to me. I want to write about life and share it with you, my friends, in california and oregon and virginia and germany and wherever else life has taken us. and I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about  people reading what I write. there will always be that tension between wanting to be noticed and wanting to be known. but more than that, I just want to write about life – for me. ultimately, this space is meant to claim a small piece of creativity in days full of task lists and errands. and to remind me of who I am and of what I love. and to keep a track record of what is good, if only for the days when I am grumpy and lonely and in a rotten mood. I want to really see the ordinary instants around me that are beautiful and true and tell of a broken world striving to be whole again. and I want to celebrate them because I know that they are a small mirror to my own self – broken but with the hope of being whole one day soon.

    {don’t forget about the GIVEAWAY! click here for details.}


    Filed Under: THOUGHTS ON...


  • July 18, 2010

    in between

    I apologize in advance for the length of this post. it was never my intention to have a blog that is a chore to read. and I truly hope this post is not that way. it’s just that so much has happened. so much that I wish I could sit down with you over coffee and talk about. but this will have to suffice. so read as long as you are willing. hopefully the distance between us – whether it be 2800 miles or 20 – will seem a little less consequential. I promise the next post will be short and sweet. knowing me, it will probably be some sort of list.

    the past month of my life has seemed to be this surreal dream that I have moved far too quickly through. and yet, with everything that has happened – with all the waiting – so much of it seemed to pass painfully slow.

    one month ago life was one seemingly unanswerable question mark. 31 days later, the next two years seem decided. it is as if I have stepped into a completely different life – one I had much less control in choosing than I ever thought I would. good thing I am learning how to let go of things. it has been a month of doubt and faith and waiting. so much waiting. and what I found out is that God is ironic in a beautiful sort of way.

    exactly one month ago – seriously, I checked my calendar – I sent in an application to be the events and development coordinator at the trinity forum. without going into all the details, I knew that although the organization did not meet the exact criteria in regards to what I am passionate about, the job would be a perfect fit. and although I was somewhat lacking on the experience side I knew that, if given the chance, I could do the job well. I sent in my application on a friday and interviewed the following tuesday. then I waited. and I tried to be patient. and I prayed. a lot. I prayed that God would teach me to remain steadfast in joy. I prayed that he would grant me strength to trust in his timing and not my own. I prayed for peace in knowing that he is enough for me and that he is good. all the time. and then becca came to visit.

    becca. my soul-mate and sister and best friend. my link to a community that loves me in a way that is honest and authentic and selfless. even though they are 3,000 miles away. I wish I could express to this community – I truly hope I have loved you well enough for you to know who you are – how important you are. you have protected me from fire – literally and figuratively. you have not abandoned me. you have kept my in your prayers and your hearts. without you I would not have survived so much of my life. without you, life would not be beautiful. words cannot express how you have saved me and built the foundation of who I am. but if you were here – in the middle of this starbucks across the country – you would see the tears I am shamelessly crying and hopefully you would know.

    so there we were. becca was here. and I was waiting. and thinking to myself that moving back to portland seemed like the best idea ever. after one week of feeling loved and accepted and beginning to re-learn myself, she left and I decided that when my internship ended in october I was leaving. after all the fighting I had done with myself – not wanting to give up on this dream that had not turned out quite as I’d planned – I made peace with the fact that I just needed to be back where I belonged. plus, after almost two weeks since my interview without hearing a word, I was about 99% sure I would not be getting the job at the trinity forum. I told you God was ironic.

    two days after becca left I got the job. in the middle of reveling in my decision to move back to Portland, God’s plan came through loud and clear. the perfect job was mine and I was in shock. in between ecstasy and despair. I called my family and two of my closest friends. and then I cried. I had been praying that God would open a door one way or another and that he would give me the strength to walk through whichever one it was. now the door was not only open, it was surrounded in flashing lights with a yellow-brick road leading toward it. I spent the next two days praying that this was the right step, even though I knew it was. I made peace – again – with the fact that I was right where God wanted me. I got the call on Friday. I accepted on Monday. my first day will be July 26th, five days before I turn 23. I am so excited to take this next step and after two days of training I know this job will change my life in more ways than one.

    needless to say, this month has been one of transition into stability. suddenly, I have a real-life, job. and I am looking for an apartment. and I am paying bills. and I am an adult – kind of. but I still feel like I am in transition. and really, the past year has felt this way. I feel in between. in between college and career. in between passions and obligations. in between portland and dc. in between authentic community and a feeling of being so very alone. in between knowing myself and losing myself. I am in transition, always waiting for something to start or change. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. but won’t it always be this way? I guess so. until I get to heaven, of course.

    it is weird to realize how much I have learned in just a few short weeks. I could make this post unbearably long and tell you every single detail. or I can just mention the most important one. I learned how to rest in God. I realized that so much of my life has been spent relying on the people God has placed in my life. he put them there to teach me how to trust in him through trusting in them. but somewhere along in the process I stalled. this community that I love more than my own life – sometimes it is my crutch. instead of relying on the only one who is deserving of my trust, I depend on others or on myself. but the past year has proven this assumption utterly flawed. I have not been able rely on others, and most of the time I have not been able to rely on myself. I have felt alone and bewildered and insignificant. I have felt so lonely as I longed for friends so far away. but now I realize that of course I am lonely. I will always be lonely until I leave this fallen world. I could have one million friends and the love of my life and I would still be lonely. my heart will only feel at home and at peace when I am with the one who created me. and once I gave myself permission to be lonely I felt the weight of it leave me. finally, after a year of searching, I have found myself. of course, I was in the last place I looked and in the only place I could be.

    but I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;
    I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.
    I will praise you forever for what you have done;
    in your name I will hope,
    for your name is good.
    psalm 52:8-9
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    Filed Under: SELF